They say that some people live a double life, but I'm a bit different. A single life isn't enough for me, neither is a double life. You see, I live a triple life…
"Darling, Mrs. Jenkins stopped by bearing gifts earlier. She left two of her delicious cobblers and she would love to have your opinion on them."
"I'll have to try them later. I've got so much work to do tonight, I'm afraid that I won't be back until morning. I've made dinner already so all you have to do is warm it up later."
"Again? This is the second time this week. I'm going to miss you and so will Cailia."
"I know and I'm going to miss you both as well."
'My first life is a somewhat normal one. I have a beautiful home that I share with my husband and our baby, Cailia. She's a fluffy tabby kitten we found wounded in an alley and brought home. I don't really care for animals, but my husband adores them so I don't mind having her here with us. She's actually grown on me to be truthful, so making an exception for her isn't that difficult.
My husband is a well established business mogul that is well respected amongst all in the city. The only problem with his position is that he has to conceal the fact that I am a man. This small city just isn't ready for things like that, I suppose. So, I have to live my life in the open as a woman so that his secret is never discovered.'
"I wish you had a little time to spare."
"Mmn, darling, if I did we both know that I'd never make it to work." I gently tug at his golden tie and pull him down for a kiss. His kiss tastes of cigar smoke and brandy, which is something I've become accustomed to. It's almost like an aphrodisiac to me and I exhale heavily against his lips, staring into his emerald eyes.
"You say that as though it's a bad thing," he breathes hotly, sending tingling sparks of excitement traveling down the length of my spine. In this close proximity, I can feel his unbridled desire for my body manifesting as his sneaky hand slips beneath my skirt.
"Mr. Hawthorne, pardon my intrusion, but you have a call waiting in your office. It's Mr. Fue and he says that it's rather urgent."
"Apparently it is. We'll have to pick this up in the morning, darling. I love you." I whisper my sentiments against his lips and move away, smoothing my skirt as discreetly as possible in the presence of the young woman that so boldly interrupted us.
As his messenger makes herself scarce, he groans and I smile at him apologetically. "That's what you get for being the most important and influential man in Silverdale, darling. Everyone wants to steal away a moment of your time."
"Hn. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't the man that I am today. I wish that I was someone else so that all my time could be devoted and focused solely on you."
"I don't think my ass could take that kind of abuse because I don't think you'd ever let me get out of the bed." I joke as I button my coat and grab my clutch from the table. "Though, for the sake of being serious, you should never wish to be anyone other than who you are. If we can't be happy living in our own skin then there truly is no hope for us, is there?" The door bell keeps him from responding and I leave him behind to think about those words, hurrying down the stairs and out the door to meet my driver.
I met him at a night club.
I was a bartender and he was my nightly patron. He'd always sit on the second stool from the left and strike up a conversation with me somehow. I didn't know who he was and I didn't care either. His position and his money didn't impress me then and they sure as hell don't impress me now. I think that's why he's so drawn to me and I think that's what kept him returning night after night.
He never ordered more than three drinks and after he'd met his limit, he always stayed until closing.
After a month of his nightly visits, I asked him what his wife thought about him spending all of his free time chatting the night away with me. He just smiled and leaned forward, admitting, with an adorable tipsy slur, that he had no interest in women.
I took that as an invitation; I invited him to the back and he fucked me right then and there, on the counter. I'm no prude, in fact you might call me shameless. I didn't have to know anything about him - I was horny and he was willing, that was all that mattered.
We kept it up for many months until I got caught servicing him one night and was fired on the spot. Being the good man that he is, he took it upon himself to offer me a new job. He wanted me to play the part of his new wife so everyone he knew would stop trying to introduce him to women and telling him that he needed to settle down.
I've been mistaken for a woman before without even trying, so I knew that it wouldn't be a difficult task for me to fool a city full of idiots.
He told everyone that he'd met me in France several summers ago and that we fell in love in an instant. He left my side hesitantly, with promises to bring me to the States and make me his wife, but business got in the way. By chance, we met again when I'd come to the States on my own, looking to be discovered somehow. Despite the years we spent apart, he said he knew who I was the moment he caught a glimpse of me on the balcony of my small apartment through the window in the backseat of his fancy car as he was riding by.
They all hang on to his every word as he tells them that he opened the door and jumped into the busy street, maneuvering the vehicles until he'd made it across. He stood there on the sidewalk and called out to me, making good on his promise by asking me to marry him. Naturally, I knew who he was and I accepted his proposal, leaping from my perch and landing safely in his arms. We kiss and the rest is history.
It's a bit much, I'll admit, but that's his style. Even to this day, he tells that story proudly to everyone we meet. The women always tell me how lucky I am, or how brave I was to have thrown myself off a balcony when it wasn't guaranteed that he would catch me.
I just smile and laugh. Sometimes, I'll look into his eyes and agree, saying that I am lucky or that I knew that his love for me wouldn't let me fall to a bloody death.
We had a spring wedding, with all of the city's fools in attendance. My husband, well, he really loves to make things extravagant. I would have been content with a small private ceremony, but, well, in the end he got exactly what he wanted.
Just as he always does.
I wasn't looking for a commitment, but six years later, here I am and I've become settled. I have financial stability and merchants falling at my feet, wanting me to try and endorse their products.
But, like I said, that's just my first life. I've still got two more to talk about.
My driver lets me out on the corner of 168th Street, just as he does every night and I slip him a tip as I get out and stretch, eager to shed the fancy skin I've been trapped in throughout the day.
Once he's out of sight, instead of heading to the hospital to tackle my overnight shift, I slip into the alley and go down the stairs leading into a place we like to call The Silken Backdoor. In one of the dressing rooms, I strip down and slip into a loose t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts. I don't work here, but the Backdoor is like a second home to me.
It's a breath of fresh air and I'm able to be who I am, without having anyone expect anything of me.
The guy who runs this place, Torikae Iales, is my lover. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing big and fancy like it is with Mical; we just get together and fuck a whole lot. I used to work for him as a dancer/waiter but he decided he'd rather keep me all to himself. I can't say that I mind. I'm sure you've heard the saying "The more the merrier"? Well, believe me, it is definitely true. I'm an insatiable individual and one man will never be enough for me.
Whenever I go down that staircase and enter the Backdoor, it's like being in another world. I suppose that's why I say that this life isn't as normal as the other one.
Calendars back home with my husband list the current year as 1936 and here, the year is 1984. There are things that I see in this life that don't exist in my other one. The clothing, the music - everything is so different.
"I was beginnin' to thank you were gonna stand me up tonight, Cutie." His twang is the sexiest thing I've ever heard and my ears melt almost every time he opens his mouth to speak.
"I'd never dream of standing you up, hun. I was just a wee bit late comin' in. Got stuck in traffic like you wouldn't believe! I swear, the commute here is somethin' else. Luckily, it's worth it." I smile and make myself comfortable on his lap.
I guess analysts would say I live a sad and lonely life, so I go out of my way to make myself feel wanted by other men. Those analysts can kiss my ass because they don't know a thing about me.
To be completely honest, sometimes I feel like I don't even know a thing about myself.
"That wouldn't happen if you pack up and move in with me. We can look for a bigger place togetha an' ev'rythang."
I don't have any memories about my past. Things like where I was born and what type of family I had are all mysteries to me. Unless there's someone significant in my life, I don't store memories. I just breeze through whatever life I find myself in, waiting on a chance to make some memories with a special person.
It makes me wonder which of these lives is my true life, if I even have one of those at all. I only put them in order by the years I see on calendars.
"I thought we were okay with this lil' casual thang we've got goin' on, hun? Why mess up a good thang? Ya know what they say, hun… if it ain't broke, don't fuck wit it." I run my fingers along the fabric of his sleeve after he wraps his arms around my waist.
I love Torikae, I really do, but I don't like complicated things.
When you move in with someone, things can change. Besides, I couldn't justify being away from my husband for that long even if I wanted to. Torikae and I have our nights and sometimes even our weekends together and that's more than enough for me.
His disappointment is displayed in his silence and I rest my head against his shoulder. It's not his fault, this just always happens. Every single time I try to have a little fun with a guy, an innocent little fling with no strings attached, they end up falling for me this way.
It has to be a curse.
Men love me far too hard.
Men love me far too easily.
Men love me… too much.
I can't hurt anyone's feelings or break anyone's heart so I end up staying and before I know it, I start to love them back even if I know that I never wanted to.
It's an inevitable cycle that will repeat itself until the end of time itself.
I don't know how to break it, or if breaking it is even possible.
Hell, I don't even know which identity is my own anymore. I've just fallen in sync with the routine of things, moving seamlessly from one life to the next..
"I don't mean to hurt your feelins, hun. But we ain't gotta move in togetha to have what we have. We been jus' fine so far, so why you wanna mess wit a good thang?"
"Because I'm gettin' older, Cutie. I was thankin' that maybe it's time for me to sell the club, settle down and enjoy the rest of my life an' I want you to be a part o' that life, Cutie."
His words bother me because they remind me that life is always moving forward. Mical is going to get older and he'll die one day, leaving an empty life for me to never return to. All the same, Torikae will get older and die away, leaving me nothing to look forward to in this life.
Why do they get that pleasure and I'm stuck here, perpetually climbing a spiraling staircase that has no landing at the top or bottom?
What is the purpose of this?
What am I here for?
I just don't know if there's a man alive that can answer those questions for me.
I laugh to dispel my unease and bury my face in the crook of his neck like a baby does when held by their mother. "You know I don't like that kinda talk, hun." I whisper softly, shifting against his lap.
Any other time we'd be sweating up the sheets, lost within our own lust for one another but right now all I want to do is be held in his arms. Maybe those analysts would be right about me. Maybe I am a lonely creature on a never-ending quest to fill the deep void within my soul.
Self reflection is such a painful thing.
I'll go through my lives, finding lovers and one by one they will all leave me alone. Happiness is so fragile, so fleeting. So many unanswered questions and though I have all the time in the world to spare, those questions shall remain that way.
"I don't see why, Cutie. Ev'rybody gonna get older and ev'rybody gonna die one day. That's just the way this life thang works. That don't mean we can't have no fun while we're here. That also don't mean we can get all caught up in doin' nothin' wit' our lives but havin' fun." His hold around my waist tightens and more than anything else, I want to scream out at the top of my lungs and tell him that he's wrong.
I want to tell him that life for me will never work that way and that… that I can't even be sure that what we have is real.
I read a book some time ago and it made me wonder if my lives are nothing more but figments of an overactive imagination. What if I'm somewhere, submerged in a cold sleep, dreaming of all these different places and lovers?
What if it's not me at all?
What if the dream is someone else's?
What would happen once I awoke?
What would happen once they awoke?
It's a scary line of thought to follow, so I deter myself from progressing in that direction. Lightly I kiss the smooth cinnamon tinted skin and indulge his point of view because there's no point in ruining this good moment. "I know, hun, but that don't mean I gotta thank 'bout it all the time. I'd rather just put it off my mind and act like stuff like that don't exist. Now maybe it's immature o' me, but I really don't give a shit. I just wanna live life out moment by moment."
Idly, my fingers play through burnt burgundy tresses as silence befalls us, creating an almost solipsistic mood.
I really don't know why I'm able to be here in this moment with him, but I do know that I'm happy when I am. Just as I'm happy when I'm alone with my husband back in our mansion on the corner of Pearapple Drive.
"I know you don't wanna hear this, hun, but I gotta go. I'm sorry we didn't get to do those thangs that you like but I promise I'll make it up to you next time."
Or when I'm standing at a distance, watching him paint in my third life.
I'm only happy in those moments and everything else is just obsolete to me.
"Don't worry 'bout it, Cutie. It was nice just to sit an' talk wit' 'ya for a lil' while. Can't say that we been doin' much of that."
"I know and if that's what you wanna do more, hun, we can." He releases me from his hold and I stretch once my feet are planted firmly against the floor.
"You take care, now, Cutie. You know I'd be downright heartbroken if anythang ever happened to 'ya."
I'm emotionally unable to respond and I leave him without another word, returning to the dressing room to change back into my previous attire.
My next life is set in a place where there are no calendars. There's no known gateway leading me there like there is with the Backdoor. I just wander the darkened streets until the scenery surrounding me changes and all colours fade.
I like to call that place Silent Movie City, because everything is in black and white and more than anything… there is no sound.
Cars pass on the streets soundlessly. There are no vibrations as they pass and it's almost as though they just float along. People pass one another by, going to and coming from their destinations without a friendly smile or word. Like they don't even see one another and are programmed like robots to systematically move from one task to the next.
It's a very sad place that often reflects the sorrow deeply hidden within my own heart.
But I forget to succumb to that sadness whenever I see him…
Without fail, I find my way into that colorless city. The air is always frigid here and I clutch my coat closer to my body instinctively. My heeled shoes slide over the pavement without a sound.
I'm always reminded of how the most simplest pleasures of day to day life can be taken for granted when I enter this place.
For that very reason, I feel sorry for those unfortunate enough to call this place their home.
Except for him.
I never know where he's going to be so I just roam the streets freely, waiting to catch a glimpse of him.
Stilled at a busy intersection, waiting to cross to the other side, I feel a light tapping on my shoulder and its startles me, causing me to stumble into the street. Words can't properly explain the fear felt as I stood frozen, staring down the headlights of an eighteen wheeler barreling towards me.
I hold my breath and close my eyes, waiting for it to hit me, but it never does. I open my eyes and watch as the vehicles pass through my body like phantom images dancing across a screen. For a moment I forgot that I'm not bound by the normal laws and standards of the world. I am just a wanderer, traversing the perpetual spiral of life.
It's slightly disappointing, though, as I was curious to find out exactly what the moment right before death would feel like.
Despondently, I step back onto the sidewalk and come face to face with the one that caused me to fall forward to a supposed doom only to see his face.
So close.
My entire body grows warmer and I stare into his eyes, wishing that my voice carried over into this existence so that I can say all of the things that I've longed to say since the moment I laid eyes on him. I like to imagine when I'm all alone in my other lives, that his eyes are a beautiful golden hazel colour. The kind that I could stare into and get lost within.
It's strange I know, but I never once said that anything about me was ordinary.
He smiles and I nearly melt away.
I don't know his name or anything about him, but I'm madly in love with him. Just being this close to him takes me to the heights of ecstasy that I've never know. It's so strange because I'm not the type to become infatuated so easily, I'm not the one that falls in love first.
But here I did.
I fall first and I fell hard.
So easily.
He fumbles in his pocket for a small notebook and pen and scribbles something across it before holding it up for me to see.
The ink is red, a shock to see in such a monotonous place, and as my eyes trace the words, I can hear them spoken in my mind. 'Sorry about that. I didn't mean for you to fall forward. I just wanted to ask you a question or two.' Spoken directly into my mind, his voice is soft and soothing and I manage to nod to let him know that it's alright.
He retracts the notebook and turns to a new page, furiously, yet silently, scribbling something down. 'I want to know where you came from and how you got here.
I want to know everything about you.
That glow, the way you shine, it's never been seen before. My eyes… my eyes, they… have never seen such magnificence.
What you bring to this world is something that we need.
Seeing you makes me grow warm and once you leave, I put to canvas the differing lights that you've shown. Hoping desperately to recreate the image you've left burned into my mind.
All of the things that I've never seen… I want to learn to put them to canvas so that everyone here can see what you have shown me.' As he reaches the end of a page, he flips it and begins anew, the words transferring directly into my mind as soon as they meet the paper.
He is true artist and his dedication to his craft is admirable. I brought the gift of colour to him and freed him from the chains of this cold and automatic society.
'I know it's an odd request to make, but can you stay here… and help me remake this world into something as beautiful as you are?'
I feel my cheeks tingle and I'm at a loss for words, which makes no difference as my voice cannot reach this place anyhow. I gesture towards the notebook and he offers it to me freely.
With pen and pad in hand, I take a moment to think.
It suddenly becomes apparent that I cannot continue living this way. Every man that I meet wants me to devote myself only to them but I can't. I have a husband and a lover and I can't just abandon them.
There's no easy way to do this.
'I can't.
I would like to stay and be with you, but I don't like the silence here. It's frightening. Besides, I have a lover in another place far away and a husband in an even farther away place. If I never saw them again, they would worry themselves to death and because I love them, I don't want that to happen.'
There's no easy way to let go of everything.
'I have been greedy… and I don't deserve the affection you all have shown.'
There's no easy way to say goodbye.
'Besides, I might not even be real. I could be a figment of each of your imaginations or a product of my own. My very existence is questionable, so I'm sorry. I can't stay. Not with you, not with Torikae and not with Mical. Not anymore.'
When I finish, I hand him the notebook and stand by as he reads over the words, bearing a look of confusion the entire time.
My heart is pounding and I can feel the tears threatening to pool in my eyes.
I should be happy that I'm wanted and desired so, but I cannot be. With each life comes the weight of making a decision that will shatter the heart of the one I care about most.
'I guess that I was selfish in making such a request. I just wanted to turn this place into something that I've only seen in dreams thanks to you. I would sit and stare at a blank canvas every day and night, searching for the motivation and inspiration I needed to create something and that was given to me in the form of… you.'
His words triggered an epiphany and I realized what my purpose was. I met each of the men in my lives while they were lost and searching for something significant in their lives. Mical Hawthorne had his name and his status, but he was unhappy. Drowning his sorrows away with alcohol, I'd never seen him smile until I gave him access to my heart, body and soul. His misery called out to me and I was created to make his life better.
The moment we connected was the moment I began to live, instead of just existing.
Torikae Iales had his ideas, but he didn't know how to execute and take advantage of them. He wanted to be a business man. My life with Mical gave me the means to pass the knowledge along and with me at his side, his seeded ideas began to sprout. I helped him accomplish his goals and obtain a wealth he'd never thought to be possible before.
The moment he looked me in the eyes and thanked me for all I'd done, I felt the same feeling that I felt when Mical and I forged a connection with one another.
This stranger had a dream, but he lacked the inspiration and motivation to turn it into something tangible. His heart and soul were ready and willing but his mind wouldn't connect with them to create something wondrous. Seeking any help that he could get, I was created to be the muse he so desired and only because of my presence could he be the artist he was born to be.
The moment he smiled at me, wanting me to stay at his side forever, the feeling returned once again and I realized that I'm in deeper than I ever wanted to be.
I shake my head and gesture for the notebook once more. 'It's not selfish,' I begin. 'it's just human nature. You're wanting for a better life for the people in this cold and muted world. That's as far from selfish as one can be.' I smile and return his notebook, no longer needing it.
He takes it and stares at it before tucking it away in his back pocket and I watch him, grinning like a crazy fool. He takes a step forward and turns a sharp corner heading to the left and I follow behind him excitedly.
We pass many people on the street, some of which now stop and stare for a moment, breaking their normal routine. I wonder why, but I don't bother to dwell on it.
He leads me to his home, a rounded apartment building floating in the sky. Glass platforms arranged in a spiral around the building lead us to his door, which slides open as soon as it senses his presence.
"This place is amazing!" I remark without thinking, my mouth forming the words but not speaking them.
He looks at me and chuckles, I assume, while gesturing towards a wall decorated with many different paintings. In each one, I see an object which has a hint of colour, but nothing more than that.
He moves to the first one and closes his eyes. It's a portrait of a flower wilting, weeping a lonely scarlet tear. The next one shows a field of black and white roses, with a single indigo rose hidden amongst them. He passes over each piece, stroking the canvas with closed eyes, as if asking for guidance.
It's very hard to admire his artwork while I'm admiring him.
While his back is turned, I remove my coat and drape it over a chair. My gloves soon join my coat and I slip out of my shoes, tip-toeing my way closer. I brush my face against the fabric of his shirt in an attempt to familiarize myself with his scent, however, I'm robbed of the pleasure.
No sounds, no scent; this world is far crueler than I ever imagined it to be.
I feel the muscles in his back tensing as I touch him and he moves forward slightly, turning to look me in the eyes.
I can't be sure if I was just imagining it, but for a moment, I saw a flash of colour in his eyes. The exact same colour I'd always imagined, I saw. It was only for a moment but that moment caused my heart to flutter.
Distracted by my own thoughts and emotions, I look away, feeling light-headed.
I'm usually able to keep my composure and maintain a sense of control but apparently those things don't carry over into this existence, much like my voice.
Through my peripheral line of vision, I see him standing and studying me intensely. We remain in our positions for an immeasurable amount of time. I sneeze, which is funny in these conditions, and he mouths the words 'Bless You'. He retrieves his handy dandy notebook from his back pocket and hands it to me, as though he knew I had something to say.
'I am… not a woman.' I write, in a dusty charcoal coloured ink. I hold it up so he can see it and he has quite the silent laugh at those words. How I wish I could have heard that joyous sound. When he's done laughing and I'm done shuffling about embarrassedly, he catches my eye and mouths the simplest words, 'I know,' and nothing more.
Whether they know or not, the men I meet never seem to care what my gender is. I'm just desirable, I assume.
He turns his focus momentarily to an empty canvas and back towards me. Quickly, I scribble a question on the page beneath my earlier admission and hold it up for him to see. He responds with a shake of the head and I smile. I write another question for him and he responds this time with a nod and a smirky grin.
That makes me very giddy inside.
I abandon the notebook and pen atop a dresser and make myself comfortable in closer quarters. His eyes alone have the power to still my heart every time and I gaze into them, forgetting everything else.
He captivates me completely and makes me wish that I could be fortunate enough to have just one life to live and die at his side.
I brush my fingertips against his cheek and his smirky grin softens to a smile. That smile saddens me and I'm not entirely sure why. I withdraw my hand slowly, staring at the points where our bodies had connected just moments ago.
Everything about him seems to strike a chord within me and now a familiar tune is beginning to play in my mind.
Startled, he stares at me wide eyed. I can only assume he can hear the tune as well, but what does it all mean?
We both want to try and speak, but fear grips our tongues and keeps us from opening our mouths.
We've become accustomed to the silence.
Slow and lilting, that tune playing inside my mind - it moves me in ways that I've never been moved before.
As quickly as it came, it left us alone and our eyes meet, searching the other's for answers to the unasked questions we hide away inside.
Why are we here?
What does this mean?
What has become of our reality?
Why does looking at him this way hurt me so?
Gathering my belongings and draping them over my left arm, I move to the doors and they slide open, revealing before me nothing but an endless sky. The platform that led us here is gone and I take a deep breath.
If I fall into the sky, what will await me on the other side?
I drop my coat and gloves in the open doorway and rush into him. I cannot go without taking a part of him away with me forever.
Our bodies meet softly and he looks down into my eyes. puzzled by my behaviour. I cannot excuse it or explain it. I've always been moved by something unseen. Lightly, fingertips caress his lips.
Again, the familiarity of this simplistic gesture shakes me but I don't let it hinder me.
I kiss his lips chastely and I feel my soul float away from me. I've tasted heaven in his kiss and I back away just as the colours begin to crash and flood into the area, painting everything the way that I've imagined it to be.
Through the open doorway into the sky, the colours stretch on for miles and a gentle warmth flows through them.
I retrieve my belongings from the floor and turn to face him once more.
Though he got what he wanted, he looks like he had to pay the ultimate price for it.
As much as I long to comfort him, I know that I've overstayed my welcome in this life and I close my eyes, falling backwards into the most beautiful sky I've ever seen.
I fell for what seemed to be forever and as I fell, the memories of the lives I've lead and the loves I've seen decorated the sky for me. I left my memories attached to the walls of that beautiful sky and when I reached the bottom, I saw my true self, sleeping peacefully.
The tune I heard above the sky with the golden eyed painter grows louder as I move closer. I touch my face and sigh at the chill of my own skin.
I lost myself in those three lives because my own was fading away.
I stare at my hands and my fists curl inward as determination sets in. I have too much to see to lie in this cold white room, ready to give myself to the abyss. I have too many dreams to see through and too many people who love and depend on me.
Those most important to me were with me all along and I just can't leave them alone.
I crawl onto the bed and settle back into my body, determined to move along my own path for once in my life.
"We still haven't been able to reach his parents."
"I told you that would be a waste of time any way. They don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. I swear… if… I'll find them and kill them myself."
"Let's not think about that just yet. There's still a chance that things could end favourably. What I want to know is… what about Letra? I know that he's not going to just walk away from this like nothing happened. Not when we're here right now and… and well… do I even have to say it?"
"Don't worry about that, he's finally going to get what he deserves."
"I can't believe that he would take it this far. I mean, really. Even I have my limits. I love him to death, but this was it. He needs to take consequences for his actions and hopefully get the help that he needs while he's doing so."
All around me, I hear voices but I don't know what they're talking about. Some of them sound familiar and some of them sound foreign.
It takes me awhile to settle back into my body but once I do, I sit up slowly and all at once the voices around me fade into silence.
I open my eyes and it takes me some time to adjust to seeing in this world and this life, but when I do, the first thing I see are those golden hazel eyes, staring down into me with the intensity of a thousand suns.
I am overwhelmed by this gaze and turn away to collect myself.
In the cold, coldness that I've known for so long, warm arms encircle me and hold me tightly. If I hadn't fought so hard to get back to this place, I might have died in that moment.
"God, you scared the shit out of me."
"I'm sorry." I manage to say, holding onto that warmth for all that it's worth.
"You had us all scared."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
Vision begins to settle in and I can clearly see the faces of those surrounding me. "What happened?"
"It's a long story, but it doesn't matter now."
"How do you feel?"
"I don't know how to describe it really." I begin with a smile. "I feel like I've been reborn. I was stuck in a spiral in a place where I was caught between three lives. Amazingly enough, in each of those lives, each one of you played the role of one of my lovers."
Unamused by this revelation, those warm arms leave me alone and I smile as Orahael glares at the other two males at my bedside. "I told you guys to get out a long time ago. You just had to stick around and force your way into his dreams somehow."
"Oh, shut up, Orahael. Continue, please." At my left, I see those dark emerald eyes and that lopsided grin that had been with me all along.
"Well, Mical, we were married and we were living together in the thirties. You were an amazing lover and you gave me everything and more that I needed. However, I had to pretend to be a woman because you weren't man enough to come out to everyone around you."
"That would never happen, me being ashamed of my sexuality, but wow, we were married? I bet we had a beautiful wedding, didn't we? Did we have a kitten?" Mical leans forward and puts his elbows on the bed as he rests his chin in his palms. "You are so beautiful, I missed hearing your voice, you know? Don't ever drown again, please. My heart wouldn't be able to take it."
"You bold bastard! How dare you say all that sentimental crap right in front of me! Did you forget that he's m-"
"Cuuuutie! I was in your dream, too? Tell me all about it!" Torikae cut Orahael off gladly and moved to sit next to me on the bed.
"Torikae, we were lovers. I think I worked for you in the eighties. I was an exotic dancer and waiter at your club, which was called The Silken Backdoor."
"I like this story already, Cutie."
I giggle. "You had the sexiest twang ever and apparently every time we were together, we ended up having sex."
"Oh, I'm loving it now."
"You wanted me to move in with you, but I couldn't because I couldn't justify being away from my husband for so long. That was you, Mical."
"Aw, you were cheating on me with some guy in the eighties? How was that even possible?"
"I don't know. Lastly, we come to Orahael." I look at him and smile at his sulking. He's so adorable. "I was the most connected to you, though we'd never met. You lived in a placed that I called Silent Movie City and you were a painter. You lived in an apartment in the sky and I would watch you paint daily."
"So, while you were married to Mical and cheating on him with Torikae, you would just watch me paint? I can't even get in your pants in your dreams. That's so cruel, Paien."
"Oh hush. We were emotionally connected and when we kissed, the colour returned to your world and I fell through the doorway into the sky. When I got to the bottom, I saw myself lying there, so I climbed into myself and woke up here."
Orahael rolled his eyes while Mical and Torikae wore grins.
"So, who was better? Me or Mical?"
"Hmmm, you were both good."
"Aw, that's no fun."
"Really, it's true."
"I am still standing here."
"Orahael, it was only a dream… and kissing you and looking into your eyes made me realize everything that I was missing in that illusory world. I wanted to touch you and hold onto you, but it just wouldn't have been the same."
"Hmph."
"You're such a baby. You know I love you the most. You're my boyfriend and they are just some guys."
"Ow. Damn, Cutie, that's so mean."
"Really, Pai."
"I'm trying to comfort his ego, okay? Why are you all being so difficult? Maybe I should have just stayed floating in the sky bridging that world and this one forever."
"No. No. It's better when you're here… and…" narrowing his eyes, he made sure to look at Mical and Torikae disapprovingly before he focused on me. "… I love you, too."
"Oh, the sap! Orahael, I never would have guessed it, but you're a natural Romeo."
"Did you hear the way he said it, with such conviction? 'I love you, too.' It was like straight out of a cheesy romance novel or movie."
"Stop it guys! I've always got to fight to get those words out of him as it is, so don't make it harder for me."
Orahael just sighs and not so accidentally knocks Torikae off the bed so he can put his arm around my shoulder and sit next to me.
"Um, hello. What ever happened to excuse me?"
"In case you buffoons hadn't noticed, this is me ignoring you. Now that you've both had your little moment to live in a fantasy world where you actually stand a chance at having Paien for yourself, you can get the fuck out."
"Now you see, Orahael, keep that up and you'll make us look good and soon we'll be in all Paien's dreams as his wonderful lovers. He'll fall asleep whenever he wants to escape from his reality with you."
Orahael grew silent, thinking over Mical's words and frowning at their possibility.
That silence gave them both satisfaction and they rose, waving, each one of them saying their own goodbyes.
I watch them leave and then look at Orahael once we're alone, propping my chin on his shoulder. "You know that will never happen, right? I love the reality we share together. Nothing would ever make me want to escape it."
He sighs again, louder this time. "Still, I don't want you to think I'm a jerk or something. I just don't like other guys all over you. You're mine, Paien, and I almost lost you yesterday. I can't let that happen ever again."
"I'm sorry." I whisper the words against his neck and close my eyes, comfortable in this intimately innocent closeness we're able to share. His skin, his scent, his eyes, his warmth - my senses are overloaded and I couldn't be happier.
This is my reality and the only life that I need…
"I love you, Paien. If I don't say it enough, I'll try harder to say it more, because I don't ever want you to spend one day wondering whether or not you have someone that loves you in this world. Because if no one else does, I do and I always will."
… is the one that I share here with Orahael Moru.
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"If people would only believe, I just know that magical things would happen everyday." ~ Paien
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Interfection: A Tale of Two Boys
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"If people would only believe, I just know that magical things would happen everyday." ~ Paien
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Interfection: A Tale of Two Boys
I think it's become my favourite as well and I really enjoyed working on it.
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"If people would only believe, I just know that magical things would happen everyday." ~ Paien
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Interfection: A Tale of Two Boys
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